Friday, August 30, 2013

Notes for the needy.

I just have a couple notes to share today. I feel that it is my duty to offer advice to those in need. I am a crazy good humanitarian.

Lamar,

I heard about the DUI arrest. Our mutual friend, the internet, has been talking about it. Come on Lamar! Don’t you know that you are my favorite Kardashian person? I am sad that you are having a rough time right now. I know it is probably stressful to be a free agent and that you may be feeling a little bit depressed and out of control. I know it was really hard for you emotionally when you were playing like crap for the Mavericks. I get it Lamar, life is tough sometimes. BUT I really think you can make it through.

Why? Because of this:
You are a 6’10” man. You are worth a bazillion* dollars. Your wife is hilarious and crazy rich. Basketball isn't everything. Know what else isn't everything? Substance abuse. Just cool it! hugs not drugs Lammy. Hugs. Not. Drugs.

XOXO,
Your local D.A.R.E representative

*this is an estimate


Miley,

Yeah, that was gross on Sunday. Liam’s poor parents. I also feel sad for you. Mostly because your mom was clapping… So maybe this really isn't your fault after all? BUT do you know what is your fault? Your filthy tongue.


I am personally not that upset over your performance. Honestly, I had my eyes closed through most of it. I just couldn't look. But you know what I did see? I saw your dirty tongue. Brush that thing before you put it out on display for the world to see on national television. Get a tongue scraper maybe? I bet they have them at your dentist, probably even at your local Walgreens*. I am surprised your mic didn't quit working from your toxic breath. I just assume your breath was toxic due to the sight of your white tongue.

XOXO,
4 out of 5 dentists

*not confirmed



TGIF and Happy Labor Day weekend folks! 

35 comments:

  1. Hahahaha. This is by far the best letter I've seen to Miley. And poor Lamar. He's my favorite, too. Clearly, he needs to get it together.

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  2. i think Lamar's first problem begins at the fact that he is probs more famous for being part of the K family than an NBA player.... womp.

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  3. Most shocking to me? D.A.R.E. is still a thing?!?!

    ;) Funny as always! Have a great weekend!

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  4. Best Miley VMA comment yet. Thank you for this. And I second "hugs not drugs, Lammy." He's my favorite Kardashian.

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  5. Haha...she was such a mess! Hope your labor day weekend was awesome!

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  6. Ha ha your letters are great! I can't figure out why her tongue is constantly out of her mouth.. Must make it hard to accomplish things as a normal "adult".

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  7. ugh that tongue why! and why do rich people drive drunk?? I would hire a helicopter to come get me at the bar!!

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